Before You Offer the Condolences

by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate

It’s an automatic and well-intentioned response. A church member shares with you the news that a loved one has died. Automatically, we respond with with comments like, “I’m so sorry.”

Here’s what I’ve learned after many years of listening to grieving people who are in places where they can be honest.

Sometimes they are not sorry. Sometimes they are relieved and if they’re honest, even a little glad. They didn’t hasten that person’s death, but they’re not sorry they’re gone.

They are telling you that the person died as a matter of information. Sometimes they tell you because it seems like something you should hear from them. They’re not telling you because they’re devastated.

I’ve talked with people for whom the death wasn’t a loss because that spouse was abusive to them in ways they never, ever talked about. It was a liberation. Or that parent was far, far different at home from the image they portrayed at church.

Sometimes the person sharing the news is sad but also relieved. This can be true after a long season of care giving. It can also be true if the person they lost was sometimes a monster and sometimes wonderful, and the conflicting feelings are confusing.

Responding based on the assumption that they’re sad can close the door for them to have honest conversations with you about the loss. They may already be struggling with shame for how they feel. If they get the message that they should feel sad, they will be less likely to admit to you any other kinds of feelings.

Instead of assuming we know how they feel, a more neutral response can open the door to conversation.

“My dad died on Monday.”

“Really? How are you doing?”

This open ended response allows the church member to be wherever they are and to have an honest conversation with you if they so choose. Such conversations can be an important part of being able to integrate their faith with the realities of their lives.

In our grief education/support group, Navigating GriefLand, we help people understand that there are a whole range of feelings that are natural responses to loss, and there is no one right way to be.

You can find out more about Navigating GriefLand and how you can offer it to your church and community at Navigating GriefLand.com.