Behaviors You Tolerate

by Jay Gamelin, Pinnacle West Associate

Recently I coached a pastor who was struggling with a particular member of her community. She is a relatively new pastor at a new church. After worship she was standing and greeting people on their way out when an older man shouted across the lobby, “Pastor, you sure have a nice caboose!”

She froze. She smiled and chose to laugh it off at that moment, but she was deeply disturbed. First, she was deeply hurt by the man’s words and his objectifying her, disrespecting her as a person and in her role as pastor. Second, not only was this comment wildly inappropriate, it made her feel vulnerable. She feels unsafe around this person now and this has disrupted her role as pastor to the community. She does not want to go to church because there is a chance he may be there. The damage cannot be understated.

What hurt even more was what happened when she approached her leadership. They refused to see the harm. “Oh, that’s just how he is. He’s always been like that.” She realized then they had been tolerating this behavior for a long time.

I have worked with church organizations on building a healthy culture for years but I am always learning. Recently I came across several articles that put into words what I have felt but could not communicate: cultures are shaped by the behaviors we tolerate (see, for example, https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbeshumanresourcescouncil/2024/02/21/your-culture-is- defined-by-the-worst-behavior-you-tolerate/).

The idea is that whatever an organization states as its values can only be measured against what is tolerated. You may say you are a welcoming church, but if you allow members to tell someone new to move out of their pew, then that is your actual value. If you say children are welcomed and embraced but you allow a member to turn to a family and yell at them to keep their kids in line, this is your true culture. If you say you are a safe place for people to gather but comments that harm and hurt are tolerated, this is who you really are.

Typically avoidance comes from a conflict averse community that is trying to maintain a sense of church-nice. They would rather tolerate poor behavior and avoid conflict than address actions that challenge their values. The worry is that the offending person may become upset or may even leave the community. But in an effort to protect the offender we abandon our stated values. We end up protecting the offender and diminishing the offended. This is not okay.

Our role as leaders is to love and care for our membership and community. As the chief architect of our culture, it is incumbent upon us to understand our values and to speak up when they are challenged. This means we sometimes have to step into uncomfortable spaces in order to have conversations with people for the sake of the community. We have to speak up when someone’s behavior is destructive to these stated values.

This pastor had an honest conversation with her leadership committee. She was patient but firm and clear. She treated this as a moment for the whole community to learn from and to understand the long term implications of tolerating this behavior. They created a plan for two people to have a conversation with the offender to patiently but firmly address the poor comments. They expected this person to be upset, especially since this behavior had been tolerated for so long. But it was time. They could not allow these comments to continue. One member of her leadership team admitted that she too was very uncomfortable with this person and was proud of the pastor for speaking up on her behalf. The whole team learned from this moment and they feel they will be healthier going forward.

What behaviors are you willing to tolerate in your church community? Do you have members or even leaders whose poor behavior is holding you or the church back? Do you see people pretending that another’s comments or actions are okay for the sake of keeping the peace? Perhaps now is the time to count the cost to your community if you continue to tolerate bad behavior. Perhaps now is the time to step into the discomfort of an uncomfortable but necessary conversation. Your culture will thank you.