Responding to the Dreaded Complaint
by Rev. Travis Norton, Pinnacle West Associate
Receiving a letter of complaint from a congregation member can be daunting. I’ve come to dread the envelope sitting on my desk with nothing but my name on it. More often though it’s an email trying to ruin my day.
Over the years I’ve developed a method of response.
Check for a signature: Look to see if the note is signed before you read it. If it is not signed, throw it away. I used to read unsigned complaints and then find some passive aggressive way to respond—usually a Facebook post or widespread grumbling—nothing helpful. Now, I throw them away and make it clear to my congregation that I don’t even read unsigned letters. This has reduced unsigned letters to near zero!
Engage in Conversation: If the note is signed it is an invitation to dialogue. It is important to respond thoughtfully and quickly. Pick up the phone and call the person as soon after you receive the note as possible, especially if it’s an email. Start by saying “I just read your note, and wondered if you could tell me more about what you’re thinking.” The benefit of calling is that people are kinder and more considerate in conversation than they are over email or in a letter. Letting them share more allows you to get a more accurate temperature of their ire. Are they really angry or do they just want to be heard? Focus your attention on listening well. It’s amazing how much healing comes via good listening!
More information is shared when you have a back-and-forth conversation. You learn what’s really behind the note and where your assumptions would have been wrong. It’s easier to explore the underlying values and issues in a conversation. Having a conversation also underscores the importance you place on that relationship. Talking soon after receiving the note eliminates the awkwardness of unaddressed concerns when you see them next.
Manage Your Emotions: Try to call quickly before you’ve dwelt on the note so your defensiveness doesn’t even have time to get raised. But, if you find yourself angry at the complaint and eager to defend yourself, consider delaying until you’ve worked through those emotions. It is helpful to talk with a trusted colleague or coach to work through your own feelings first so you are ready to attend to the church member.
Pray Without Ceasing: Finally, bathe this process in prayer. Ask God to soften your heart and reveal any truth you need to hear. Be willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Ask God to guide you in the conversation that your every word would convey love and commitment to the person and the gospel. Ask God to maintain or repair the relationship. If the person is willing ask to end the conversation in prayer and use that time to thank God for them and their willingness to engage with you in a difficult conversation.
By following these steps you can turn negative feedback into a constructive dialogue that builds trust, sets a precedent for Christian conversation and contributes to the health of your congregation.