People Pleasing Clergy & Church Staff

by Rev. Mark E. Tidsworth, Founder and Team Leader

We all like to be appreciated, no doubt. This is part of what it means to be human. Nor is that people pleasing. People pleasing is the tendency to compromise our principles and values, while also discounting our personal needs and wants, in order to keep the affirmation from those around us coming. 

My first calling was to serve as a pastor, which I still do from time to time. The second vocational expression of my calling was therapist, specializing in couples and clergy. This was the primary venue through which I learned that the helping professions, especially vocational ministry, are flush with people pleasers. Think about it. Vocational ministry is a calling in which we are repeatedly affirmed for giving of ourselves, as did Jesus, the author and pioneer of our faith. This is the perfect vocational setting for people pleasers to excel, pushing the boundaries wide, sacrificing themselves on the altar of public affirmation. Now in my third and fourth vocations of leadership coaching and consulting, I can tell you that people pleasing, even as far as we’ve come, lurks in ministry settings, just waiting to drag clergy and church staff into burnout.

Okay, perhaps I’m being overly dramatic with that last statement. Yet, that’s how it feels when people pleasers start to address their tendencies and behaviors that have served to fuel their high-affirmation needs for decades. This is tough work, soul work, in fact. Even so, I’ve watched many clergy and church staff make progress, developing the muscles it takes to internalize affirmation, learning to rely on their sense of self rather than feedback from their congregations. 

For those who recognize this particular affliction, so to speak, here are three indicators one is growing beyond people pleasing toward more healthy differentiation. 

When a “no” answer becomes a real option when responding to requests

I can tell you that unless no is a real option when it comes to requests from our congregations, our yes answers are anemic and weak. We can only give a full-throated yes answer, when a no answer is just as possible. Jesus said it this way in the Sermon on the Mount, “Let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything more than this comes from the evil one,” (Matthew 5:37). Authentic, genuine, real responses with integrity… when we can say “no” then we might not be people pleasing any longer. 

When values and principles are prioritized over the accolades of playing to the crowd

We know how to do it. We know how to play to the crowds, being emotionally and socially savvy as we clergy and church staff tend to be. A well-placed comment here, followed by a wink and smile there… all are designed to play to the crowds, keeping the accolades rolling in. Even as I’m writing this I’m aware this sounds very calculated and intentional. Most people pleasers aren’t that strategic. Instead they are simply running the internalized scripts driving behavior for so long that it’s nearly automatic. Many don’t even realize they are doing this, until they grow aware, experimenting with holding their values and principles above crowd appreciation. 

When we include ourselves in the Greatest Commandment

Loving God, yes, while also loving our neighbors like we love ourselves. People pleasers tend to love their neighbors in far superior ways than they love themselves. They would never discount their neighbors like they discount self. Here are very practical examples of how people pleasers know they are making progress toward differentiation: advocating for fair salaries and benefits, insisting on vacation time, and managing their work loads in healthy ways. These very obvious and simple actions communicate that the one doing them values themselves, like they would their neighbors. 

The good news of the gospel is we are beloved children of God, regardless of our ability to prove our worth. This is the stellar vaccine for people pleasing. When we receive God’s unconditional love deep in our bones, the drive to please others in exchange for their affirmation decreases. The more we receive God’s blessing, the less we pursue external forms of blessing. This process, of integrating God’s love into our deepest selves, takes time and boatloads of courage. And, it’s a central part of the journey toward Shalom, toward integrating the salvation of our Lord, bringing wholeness to clergy and church staff persons.