The Grief of a New Member

by Peggy Haymes, Pinnacle Associate

I was surprised by the loneliness I felt as I walked down the aisle of my new church to receive communion. In my former church I’d served for six years as their Associate Minister and, after a wise and necessary two year break, returned as a member. All told, I was there for nearly twenty years.

When I walked to the front in my former church, it was an experience of community: the smiles of old friends, the touch on the shoulder of someone who was struggling. I knew their faces and knew a lot of their stories. Whether through ministry or through the journey of faith community, we’d shared holy ground.

Now, as I slowly made my way forward, I knew few people. Many faces were only vaguely familiar. To be sure, they’d welcomed me warmly enough but it takes time to learn names and people and for stories to unfold. I felt a bit lost.

Thirteen years later, things are different. I know many names and even more faces. As a church we’ve shared high, holy days as well as unexpected loss that “threaten(ed) to undo us, in the end finding God’s restless call to new life and healing moving us forward.”

When someone joins our church, it is rightly a time of great celebration. We wonder what places they’ll find in our midst and what sort of journey we might share together. But we also are wise if we leave room for the possibility of grief.

Perhaps they are joining you because they’ve moved to your town. Whether it’s a joyfully chosen move or one made out of necessity and regret, they could be leaving behind close friends, familiar neighborhoods, houses or schools or a church they loved.

The leaving itself may have come with a wounding. The church may have changed direction and they no longer felt welcome. Toxic leadership by clergy or laity may have made it into a space that was no longer healthy. They may have left behind familiar music, lifelong friends and decades of investment in a faith community in order to move closer to adult children. Or the church itself may have closed, leaving them a legacy of “what-ifs.”

When new people choose to become part of your congregation, welcome them with joy but also tenderness. Allow them the space for whatever grief they are bringing with them.

One of the hallmarks of Pinnacle’s Navigating GriefLand small group curriculum is that it honors all kinds of grief, even that which might slip through the cracks of great joy.